Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
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To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”