@DadandBuried

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

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@Elizasoul80

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

@thenatewolf

ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming.

GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills

@LizHackett

There are approximately 45 seconds between “I’ll make us an omelet” and “We’re having scrambled eggs.”

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

@DannyDutch

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

@iamburtjarvis

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

@GoddessTitty

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

@MoistPork

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

@SCbchbum

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”