Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
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Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.