@ArfMeasures

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

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@OutOfLeftField_

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

@mom_tho

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

@hurlarious

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

@SonOfCha

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

@kibblesmith

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

@1_dingle

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

@NeinQuarterly

A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”

@decentbirthday

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

@Marlebean

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

@albo_albert

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it