MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Me irl
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”