Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

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– Day 1 of gluten free diet:
I feel like a new person and I love my life.
– Day 2:
I have eaten the neighbors bird and joined ISIS.


Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN


Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.


I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.


Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.


Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary


In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.