My wife is all, “we love each other so much we finish each other’s sentences,” until it comes to a prison sentence.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
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JESUS: so I’m u
JESUS: and ur me
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.