@stephenjmolloy

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

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@hazelmotes1

My wife is all, “we love each other so much we finish each other’s sentences,” until it comes to a prison sentence.

@matt___nelson

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

@JoParkerBear

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

@3sunzzz

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

@LoriLuvsShoes

Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

@McGrumpenstein

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

@TweetPotato314

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

@AnkCoupleTO

[police lineup]

Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Me: Nope
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit

@HowToBeADad

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.