All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
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I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly