Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
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Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Natty or not?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say