[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
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Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
me irl
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.