[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
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“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.