@shadygrenade

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

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@jakery

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

@rockymomax

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

@momowelch

Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.

@TheTweetOfGod

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

@DaddyJew

My boss doesn’t know it yet but we’re in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

@StellaGMaddox

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

@KalvinMacleod

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school