@shadygrenade

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

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@vineyille

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

@R0ckG0d88

My dog can’t hear me when I yell at him to stop chewing on my flip flop but he can hear the crinkle of the Dorito bag from 3 counties over.

@TYrannosaurus

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

@doktorj

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

@SteveSuckington

Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?

@AbbieEvansXO

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

@sincir3000

why do people with two hands order drinks one at a time?

@junejuly12

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

@Dorkstar

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?