*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
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If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My dog can’t hear me when I yell at him to stop chewing on my flip flop but he can hear the crinkle of the Dorito bag from 3 counties over.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
why do people with two hands order drinks one at a time?
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?