Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone