MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

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*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: “Who was that, your girlfriend?” *Everyone laughs* NERD: “Nope. It was yours.” *Dead silence*


Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!


The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.


Helping my kid memorize a list of cities and accidentally wrote a Pitbull song.


[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop


If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.


[Leaving ballgame]
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: Yes, but I assure you officer I can’t afford to get drunk there.