MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
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Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I’m good, thanks.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
yeah no that’s fair
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.