@ShutUpThatsWho

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

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@KalvinMacleod

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

@Tmoney68

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

@TheCiscoKidder

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

@bobvulfov

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

@robdelaney

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

@PetrickSara

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

@TyWebb1980

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

@fro_vo

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

@lovejulieacafe

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”