Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear
Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..
Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!
om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!
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Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
American: COVID19 is super scary
American: Isn’t it crazy how expensive the test is?
American: And that I have to go to work even if I’m sick?
American: And don’t even get me started on quarantine co-pays
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
*handsome, young man walks up*
Me-Hold it Jr. Yes, I’m sexy. But young guys aren’t my thing.
HYM-You’ve toilet paper on your heel.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.