My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
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you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas: