Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
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*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
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if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.