Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
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If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.