Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
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#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?