Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
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Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My love language is deader than Latin
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
accurate
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year