Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
That’s not how days work.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.