Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
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You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
TRAIN’S HERE
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.