Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
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My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.