@ScouldingIan

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

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@_SetTheHook_

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

@Ellequence

I might be OCD, but I’m not falling for that check engine bullshit. It’s there.

@imteddybless

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

@philco816

Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy.

Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though.

Mb: I don’t care just get it done.

@natedeschaine

How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive

@wendchymes

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

@TheTweetOfGod

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

@kumailn

I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.

@HomeWithPeanut

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.