@ACartoonCat

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

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@Alohababe2011

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

@stephenjmolloy

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

@ozzyunc

Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels:
1) barely moving
2) maybe faster
3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind

@DaddyJew

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

@ratamack

I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.

@Bratterina

I dont mind splitting a bill on a date but if you ask me to work out the math part of it, then just get out my life buddy. I dont math for nobody.

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.