Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
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“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake