Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
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instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.