@stephenjmolloy

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

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@ElgatoEsmio

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

@TheDailySchmuck

I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they’re in their 20s and don’t know what phones used to look like.

@SteveKoehler22

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

@RamblingMachine

If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.

@Marcmywords2

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

@TweetPotato314

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad