MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
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Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*