@Mr_Kapowski

[magician rolls over in bed]
“Last night was amazing”

Woman: Magical. Make me breakfast?

Magician: [waves magic wand, eats her]

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@kumailn

My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is “Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason.”

@cravin4

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

@daemonic3

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

@squirrel74wkgn

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

@GorillaNipples1

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

@AmishPornStar1

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@claudiaa_haleyy

I hate that “You know what to do” voicemail greeting, because if a recently unfrozen caveman calls, I bet that makes him feel pretty bad.

@sixfootcandy

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.