Hispanic magician: “I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos” *poof*
And just like that he vanished without a tres
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
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That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing….It didn’t take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women…
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
All of my clothes look like they’re about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I’m eating enough every time I see her.