Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
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incredible text to wake up to
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
choose your gary
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking