@stephenjmolloy

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

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@Mr_Kapowski

Hispanic magician: “I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos” *poof*

And just like that he vanished without a tres

@Reverend_Scott

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

@Papa_Mex

I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing….It didn’t take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women…

@DBStoner

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

@daddyville

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

@duchesskk

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

@WolfpackAlan

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

@batkaren

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

@BootsORiley

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

@ComedicBust

All of my clothes look like they’re about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I’m eating enough every time I see her.