magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
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Never mess with a drunken pig.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
i spent way too long on this
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
🚲+physics = winner
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs