@stephenjmolloy

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

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@RatCasket

what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?

@sarcasticmommy4

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

@jimmytorosian

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

@Alexclaimer

*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself

@LostFelicia

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

@oye_gujju

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

@mattZillaaaa

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

@thefishpants

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids