@stephenjmolloy

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

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@DamienFahey

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

@iwearaonesie

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

@flashember

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

@Kica333

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

@Ms_WhateverV

Kids wont go to sleep so I’m playing hide&seek. And now they’ll never find me, because they aren’t old enough to drive or get into this bar.

@hipstermermaid

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

@BourbonLuv

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…

@erichwithach

My kid and his friend were super excited because they made a cake in Minecraft and I got the NASTIEST look when I told them they could do that in real life and actually eat it.

@Inferno_V

As a mother of four, I am often asked what is the best way to child proof your home.

A: Send them outside to play and lock all the doors.