When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
You Might Also Like
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Kids wont go to sleep so I’m playing hide&seek. And now they’ll never find me, because they aren’t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…
My kid and his friend were super excited because they made a cake in Minecraft and I got the NASTIEST look when I told them they could do that in real life and actually eat it.
As a mother of four, I am often asked what is the best way to child proof your home.
A: Send them outside to play and lock all the doors.