Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

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what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?


My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.


Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends


*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself


Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.


Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.


My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them


Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids