“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
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What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying
WIFE: 20 mins and you haven’t noticed?
ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun
WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
Me in email:
thanks for this. Thank you for responding. Thank you for acknowledging that I wrote. Sorry I can’t do the thing but thanks for asking. Thanks for thinking of me. Thank you for thinking at all. Sorry to bother you since you didn’t reply. Thanks again.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My tampon just leaked during my bath and now it looks like I made a tub full of passion fruit tea.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.