magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

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“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003


What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying


WIFE: really?
ME: uh?
WIFE: 20 mins and you haven’t noticed?
ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun
WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.


My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands


ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.


Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.


Me in email:
thanks for this. Thank you for responding. Thank you for acknowledging that I wrote. Sorry I can’t do the thing but thanks for asking. Thanks for thinking of me. Thank you for thinking at all. Sorry to bother you since you didn’t reply. Thanks again.



Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.


My tampon just leaked during my bath and now it looks like I made a tub full of passion fruit tea.


“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.