@CornOnTheGoblin

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

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@hardlyrelevant

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

@therealeatwood

What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying

@animadvertguy

WIFE: really?
ME: uh?
WIFE: 20 mins and you haven’t noticed?
ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun
WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.

@EmilyFlake

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

@Jade_VK

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

@Tmoney68

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

@EmilyYoon

Me in email:
thanks for this. Thank you for responding. Thank you for acknowledging that I wrote. Sorry I can’t do the thing but thanks for asking. Thanks for thinking of me. Thank you for thinking at all. Sorry to bother you since you didn’t reply. Thanks again.

Thanks,
Emily

@amishschool

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

@Vodkantots

My tampon just leaked during my bath and now it looks like I made a tub full of passion fruit tea.

@ChaseMit

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.