@CornOnTheGoblin

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

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@moose_chocolate

Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday.

In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.

@ninatreemonkey

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

@BeCoco77

I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person

@MikeHornick

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

@curlycomedy

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

@MartaEffing

I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

@chuuew

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]