[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
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Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
good work, detective
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you