Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
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Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him