*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
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Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
channeling her this year
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.