Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
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A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please