Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

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Your tweets remind me of a Rubik’s Cube. I can’t figure those out either


If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.


most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english


By the age of 30 you should have

1. $100 in your account

2. a knee pain

3. anxiety

4. back pain


If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”


Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us


SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.


I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They’re not quite sure if I’m the district manager or not.


Interviewer: I don’t see a phone # for your reference
Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly