Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.