Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
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Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
This squirrel eats better than I do
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”