Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
You Might Also Like
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?