Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

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Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.


One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.


Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.


me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them


I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?


me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course