[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
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Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet