[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
finally
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…