Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Noted.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
🤣🤣💀
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE