What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
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Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
a public service announcement
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I have a type: disappointing
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.