*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
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“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.