[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
You Might Also Like
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.