Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
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I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.