*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

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Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!


Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.


who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed


*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art


My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.


WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ


To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.


My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?


Now that my kids are getting older, I’m worried I’ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.