*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
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What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
i would wish you the best but i am the best