*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

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to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other


I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: “Santa doesn’t exist, but that’s ok, cause I can’t read.”


My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.


Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.


The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.


“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.


“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review


Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise


[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.


Whenever someone says they hate cats and they’re all shitty and snobby about it, I’m like, “Weird cuz you behave JUST like one.”