@djdarrellripley
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
@squirrel74wkgn
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
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@djdarrellripley
@MmeJey
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
@molly7anne
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
@AndrewsNotFunny
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
@DudeMass
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
@crystaltitties
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
@daemonic3
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
@kivtur
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
@mommajessiec
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
@michaelianblack
Now that my kids are getting older, I’m worried I’ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.