@squirrel74wkgn

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

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@djdarrellripley

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

@MmeJey

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

@molly7anne

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

@AndrewsNotFunny

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

@crystaltitties

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

@daemonic3

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

@kivtur

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

@mommajessiec

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

@michaelianblack

Now that my kids are getting older, I’m worried I’ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.