@squirrel74wkgn

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

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@aRealLiveGhost

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

@CrazyUncIeJoe

I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: “Santa doesn’t exist, but that’s ok, cause I can’t read.”

@RunOldMan

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

@weinerdog4life

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

@mack44_d

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

@IGotsSmarts

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

@MichaelTrying

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

@SteveKoehler22

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

@Tmoney68

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

@TheJamieLee

Whenever someone says they hate cats and they’re all shitty and snobby about it, I’m like, “Weird cuz you behave JUST like one.”