*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
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*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”