wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
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Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
just got my engagement photos
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend