Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention