major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
You Might Also Like
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only