@malt_skull

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

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@Elizasoul80

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

@david8hughes

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

@MumInBits

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

@deloriumforsale

I hope the guy who named the “walkie talkie” called his home phone “standie talkie” and his toilet “sittie shitty”.