On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
You Might Also Like
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
man i love columbo
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot