Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
You Might Also Like
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
everywhere a sign. ⚠️