Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
You Might Also Like
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
#SCOTUS one-star review
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
getting groceries
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁